Its a tough spot ....

Its THE decision I'm going to make.
And ironically I do not want to think about it. As if believing that thinking would, as it always has, make me change my mind. When it comes to this particular area of life, my rationale always betrays my heart. There has been a battle for eons between the two, none of them is defeated, and I keep on losing!

The past fortnight has probably been one of my most thoughtfully active periods in life. But no matter how much I try to think, its always a closed loop, the thought process ending at exactly the same point from where it had started. Or probably I'm not thinking at all! I'm staring at a spot on the wall and coming to consciousness time and again just to realize that I'm staring at one spot, and then going numb again.

I know the consequences would be dire. They always are. Big decisions mean big risks, huge consequences. But am I now left with any other alternative to choose from? The options pool is exhausted now, I have used all the other life lines, and if something has to work out Now, its going to be this one! Foe how long can I keep on convincing myself that my current path is actually my life line, I'm just not putting in enough of effort? I have done so for so long a time now, I dont even want to spend an iota of my strength doing the same thing now. No! Enough.

Its not that I am exhausted by the sheer amount of strength it takes to keep on going, irrespective of how badly it does so. I am exhausted by the futility of this entire exercise. What does anyone, including me get out of it? Does anyone get benefited from it? Does it leave anyone happy? Does it let anyone sleep blissfully at night? Does it let anyone notice the beauties of a sunny day? No. It doesn't. Then its not worthwhile. No it definitely isn't.

But the decision is not easy. And I feel tremendous pressure. Please God be by my side. I can not afford to loose. Not this time. Please God help me succeed, for me, for my angel's sake. Please.

And I know, I am going to need all the luck in the world to make it work. InshaAllah.

I choose my mood. I smile :)

Just read, 'Choose your mood, and stay with it'.

So here I go, I choose a mood for myself for today which is wearing a little beaming smile and make sure that I find enough beauty in the 24 hours of the day that it stays gleaming! :) After all, the curve on my lips can not be drawn by another hand, and if I let someone do that, I sure am not well!

So I smile. Because I am too tired of not smiling for this long a while. And I have just realized that if by not making my heart light, the other does me a wrong (as I feel about it), what about my own contribution to my personal happiness?

So, heres to me, for being happy!
For remembering to let myself loose! For realizing that the heart throbbing in my chest deserves better than being put on other's ventilators!


I smile :)


Alhamdolillah!

Guftego ba ostad, Conversation with the teacher