Saline Words

"Writing for me was always a great stress reliever, a way of dealing with pain." - Bret Easton Ellis

Thursday, the 15th of March 2012...

When expiration and existence came like sweeping waves, crashing over me. 

An experience whose electricity is still running through my nerves!

It was an ordinary day, a rather lazy one. My second mug of coffee was half way through when the cell beeped at 11:13 am. I glanced over the screen and found kid's school name flashing over the screen. Something just ticked a time bomb inside me. It didn't take even a second for the call to be answered.

hello?

Is this angel's mother?

Yes.

I'm angel's teacher.

Is everything ok?

Can you come to school?

Is he hurt?

Yes.

Is he bleeding?

(Pause) A little.

Is he crying?

He was. But he is settled now. He has a chocolate in his hand and we are sitting in the office.

I'll be there in 30 minutes. Could you please tell him that his mama is coming?

I will.

I had left my office before clicking 'End Call'.

What followed were the 12 longest minutes of my life! 

It took the next 12 minutes to reach his school, and a score of times I experienced extinction.

As I entered the school gate, a school staff stepped out of the Admin office across the school yard with two blood stained towels in hand. Another cessation!

I stepped in the office at 11:25am and there, just on the extreme left, there he was.

The next 4 hours I kept doubting God's capacity to grant me enough strength to enable me keep acting as the tenacious support for my son. 

I wanted to cry with him. To just hold him in my arms kissing his blood stained neck... and cry!

36 hours have eloped since then, and I still can feel the salt of the tears held back, in my throat.

But, I didn't cry.

I couldn't cry, for his confidence in  me as his support asked me to remain strong.

This is when he slept later at home. 

Do you see that tightly snuggled li'll kitty? :)

"Mama, teacher Yasmeen (his headmistress) said, when the child's parents gonna see him like this, they'll have a 'hard attack'", he revealed to me as I tucked him in the blanket.

He decided to be the 'Baba' (father) of the kitty, "bilkul jaisee ap meri mama ho" (just the kind you make my mom)

I'm not sure if it would actually be a great idea to be just like me, but I sure loved the way he snuggled the kitty in his arms.

And HE Beckoned

Aj subah mujhay Allah ji pe bohat pyar aya.. Bohat sara. I realized kay banda apnay zarf ka aseer hai, aur Maa'bood ka zarf Uski shaan hai!

Apparently, kuch aisa nahi hoa jo koi mark of achievement ho. Balkay rationally speaking, all that could/couldn't go wrong... went wrong.

Aur us waqt when, deeply distressed, I took up my sick, crying prince up in my arms and he hid his face in the crook of my neck, mujhay Allah ji pe bohat pyar aya.

My kid was in pain, and he came to me with all his guards down, convinced of my touch to heal him. That is exactly how we behave.

Pain, takleef are just a means to draw one close. Close to the One WHO is the healer.

Jab WOH khud apni panah, aur us main simat aanay kay jawaaz bhi de raha ho, tou kaun ho ga jo apnay naseeb pe nazaaN na ho!

After All This Time…

We saw Beauty & The Beast today :)

"After all this time…he has finally learned to love." 

Deja Vu

Kid's left knee was hurting. He put my hand on top of it, and with his little hand squeezed mine over his little, round knee. Reciting my daily night prayer for him, I was distracted. 

He asked me to keep pressing it a li'll and kiss it gently, so that my kiss takes away the pain from his hurting li'll knee.

It has been two hours since then.

And Im still distracted!

For My Love

I swear my dear son

no one in the entire world

is as precious as you are

look at that mirror

take a good look at yourself

who else is there above and beyond you

now give yourself a kiss

and with sweet whispers

fill your ears to the brim

watch for all that beauty

reflecting from you

and sing a love song to your existence

you can never overdo

praising your own soul

you can never over-pamper your heart

you are both

the father and the son

the sugar and the sugar cane

who else but you

please tell me who else

can ever take your place

now give yourself a smile

what is the worth of a diamond

if it doesn't shine

how can i ever put a price

on the diamond that you are

you are the entire treasure of the house

you and your shadow

are forever present in this world

you're that glorious bird of paradise

-- Ghazal 2148, from the Diwan-e Shams

Poetic translation by Nader Khalili

"Rumi, Fountain of Fire"

Simon's Cat = My Chipmunk :)

If,
Simon = leenah;
Then,
Simon's Cat = leenah's Prince
Endloop

Salvaged To Silence

Have you ever been afraid of some thing?

Obviously, you have been. This is such a lame thing to ask! Okay, lemme rephrase it for you ... hmm ... lets try again:

Have you been afraid of something that doesn't exist outside your mind?

Now this got a bit tricky, aint it?

You bet!

Silence, at times could be such a thing ... Frightening. Haunting.

The usual lovers' discourses that take place between Love and a throbbing chest in silence, begin to shy away from solitude. 

One hunts in search of brash sounds to drown into. Like a loser lover heading to a pub for a cheap fix to douse his flame. or Candle.

What an unworthy trade!

Seriously.

Words. Words. Words.

And all devoid of the Purpose.

Meaningless sounds, too many of them.

Wasted momentss that could be spent in communion with the Beloved...

And as my heart grew heavier, burying down deeper under the rubble of the forlorn days... Yes, there has been one pick in these evenings.....

A few couple of moist smiling eyes and a gentle, soft, oh-so-tender whisper (-turned-kiss) "leenah aunty... ap bohat sweet hain... "

At times, a genuine heart felt smile is all you need to get back in touch with your own self. And the silence. And Beloved.

Five

EXACTLY five years back, I was up at this hour of the night.

Fear and anxiety had me engulfed like that room’s window drapes, and all I longed for was some soft, soothing murmuring that could keep on telling me that all would be fine.

It was a long night.

Five years later, I am up at this hour of the night. 

A sense of serene gratitude ripples through me, and it’s the sweet ache of a heart in love that along with his breath’s soft sound, whispers to me that all is great!

It’s a lovely night.

Alhamdolillah…

Lessons

46 seconds!

... and as he handed me back the cellphone shaking his little head, I could see with a throbbing heart, that certain lessons in life make one age beyond years ....


God, despite being the All Mighty, does not forsake the mere mortals when they most need Him. And even then the mortals have a tendency to forget that there exists an All Loving God ... 


How good could a man fare?

Life is SIMPLE!

My son wants 4 things from life to make it picture perfect!

• A car of his own.

• A 'working' cell of his own

• 
  
• A credit card of his own.

a baby just like how he looks now!

• And a BABY!

A black wallet would be just a cherry on the cake, he thinks. ;D

:)

The day demands CELEBRATIONS! :))

My son, mashaAllah, just read out to me his first 0 to 100! 

Alhamdolillah sum alhamdolillah :)

PS: and yes! not to forget the WOW-VELS, too :D

Gonee Goes Official

Meet Gonee Muneer!

My son has wanted to have a son of his own for quite some while now. It has always been a dearly amusing experience to see him tell all the well-thought-of reasons he MUST, SHOULD, NECESSARILY have a son! :)

But tonight his lavish fatherhood knew no bounds!

Following is an excerpt of talk we had about his "son", lovingly called Gonee!

Angel: mama, Gonee baitay ka poora naam kia hai?

(What is son Gonee's full name?)

Me: How would I know? Baba tou ap ho uskay!

(You are the father, you tell)

My angel thought a little, and chirped happily: mama, Gonne Muneer kaisa naam hai?

(How does Gonee Muneer sound?)

Since mama, too, thought that it was an awesome name, its Gonee Muneer for all future references, secret/public correspondence.

Its another story how we cut out (fake) school ID cards for my son's son with a full name now. ;)

Disclaimer: Gonee Muneer does not have a facebook page, and any resemblance to any person living or dead, is purely coincidental! All rights reserved by father of Gonee Muneer! :p

A Fish In The Bowl - An Experiment

Rediscovering Zenith

Ever since my son has shown signs of going independent with his art sense, I am enjoying my journey as a spectator of a world I had since long forgotten existed!  


It is pure fun to see him go about so common (read boring) things in such uncommon (read interesting) way. It is he who told me that 5 is inverted 2, and it is S that wears a belt to look 8. 
It is my little boy who pointed out to me that the bird he drew had two big circles under its head, since it was flying and had extended feathers (and he had drawn a top view of it). He also had to take the pain of explaining to his simpleton mum that the bird didnt have any legs because "its flying! you cant see its legs!!!!"

Like anyother boy his age on this planet, cars make his favourite muse. The interesting thing, however, is that the most important feature of his car drawings are windscreen wipers. Moving windscreen wipers. The second most important bit are indicators. Blinking indicators. Needless to say the poor 2D car gets quite a rough hand in all that moving and blinking :)


In the image above that he drew just today, the two vertical lines in front of both the cars are the revered wipers, that he drew at a distance since today they were moving "a lot!" and perhaps had moved out of the car due the movement. The black U-shape with white rectangles on sides, in the middle of the both the cars is his view of the zebra crossing.




After we were done, I surfed through the web going through images that kids his age draw, and tried to imagine the extent of creative thoughts budding in those unadulterated minds, uncompromised understandings. It was so refreshing. So energizing. Seeing little people who could see and make things the way they think them to be, pure creativity. Absolute creativity!


Talking of refreshing, let me share the little chuckle that I had when his art teacher complained a little while back, "He just wouldn't listen" she said. "He always draws the sky at the ground level. He says thats where he stands!"    :))

Another December In A Growing World

Its an early December night, drawing close to the Cinderella hour. The chilling breath of cold winter is yet to find its way to reach this place.  The sunlit mornings are yet to turn grey, and the hazard lights at the vehicles havent begun blinking either.

A few more days, a much awaited rain, may be, and I shall turn on the car heater on our way to school early in the morn. When the cold foggy car window would be touched by my prince's warm li'll nose and on it his little finger would start tracing his name. 

This world is such a lovely place when you are a kid.  Life comes just one at a day, and tomorrow just means another toy! 

When winter only means wearing mittens and NO ice creams (since we dont have snow here to have a li'll broader description) and summers mean lots of ice cream and wading pool!

When  night only means sleep, and day is fun alone! 

When home means sandals, and out means sneakers.

When outing means toys, and eat-out means Nando's (and toys!)

When good means 'acting' big, and bad means ... ah well, its always "i am not!" :p

When elder is the one who drives to school, and kid is the one who goes to school!

When near means mama, and far means .......... far.

I look at this softly breathing angel cuddled under covers, and I wish for warmth to always  ALWAYS keep lighting in his heart. The sunlit morns to always welcome his wakings, and the starry nights to always sing him lullaby.

I wish for him to know of cold only as a temperature range on the thermometer, and of foggy to be nothing but being the heavy moisture laden air on a cold chilly morn......

I guess its time to sleep.

The night has stepped across the Cinderella hour. 

Image Courtesy: This Vintage Chica

Of Learning And Unlearning: !من تو شدم تو من شدی

My four year old is in total awe of a friend of his at his montessori.

The day his new session began, I was very anxious about his settling in his new class and setup. So when he came back home after the school hours, I asked him about his day at school.

"It was good", replied my angel.

"What was the best part in it?" I asked.

"Ahh... Ayela and lunch!" came the prompt reply.

No brownies for guessing Ayela is the cuty doll, the friend of his, he is crazy about :)

Had it been only this, it would have kept amusing me. But the new developments ask me to probe a bit deeper :)

We usually talk about his goal in life, or of next day atleast, as a kind of ritual that is a part of his bed time routine. So yesterday was no different when I asked him:

"So tomorrow is going to be a good day, and my son is going to be a better person, right?"

"I dont want to become a better-person, mama...." as if immersed in thoughts, to my surprise he objected.

"What do you want to become then?" I asked trying not to sound as baffled as I actually was.

"I want to become Ayela." He stopped, looked at me with suppressed glee and continued, "Then there would be two Ayelas!"

How could you not adore this aim in life! :)

Only if we could not unlearn loving like this when we grow up!

Confidence

Can anything, ANYTHING in the world be worth the sheen in the eyes of a child when he says, "mama can fix it, mama can fix everything!"

Unfortunately, the kids need to be grown up to know that everything can not be fixed, despite how much one can believe in his mother to fix the world around him.......

My SUN's mothers' day gift :)