Its a tough spot ....

Its THE decision I'm going to make.
And ironically I do not want to think about it. As if believing that thinking would, as it always has, make me change my mind. When it comes to this particular area of life, my rationale always betrays my heart. There has been a battle for eons between the two, none of them is defeated, and I keep on losing!

The past fortnight has probably been one of my most thoughtfully active periods in life. But no matter how much I try to think, its always a closed loop, the thought process ending at exactly the same point from where it had started. Or probably I'm not thinking at all! I'm staring at a spot on the wall and coming to consciousness time and again just to realize that I'm staring at one spot, and then going numb again.

I know the consequences would be dire. They always are. Big decisions mean big risks, huge consequences. But am I now left with any other alternative to choose from? The options pool is exhausted now, I have used all the other life lines, and if something has to work out Now, its going to be this one! Foe how long can I keep on convincing myself that my current path is actually my life line, I'm just not putting in enough of effort? I have done so for so long a time now, I dont even want to spend an iota of my strength doing the same thing now. No! Enough.

Its not that I am exhausted by the sheer amount of strength it takes to keep on going, irrespective of how badly it does so. I am exhausted by the futility of this entire exercise. What does anyone, including me get out of it? Does anyone get benefited from it? Does it leave anyone happy? Does it let anyone sleep blissfully at night? Does it let anyone notice the beauties of a sunny day? No. It doesn't. Then its not worthwhile. No it definitely isn't.

But the decision is not easy. And I feel tremendous pressure. Please God be by my side. I can not afford to loose. Not this time. Please God help me succeed, for me, for my angel's sake. Please.

And I know, I am going to need all the luck in the world to make it work. InshaAllah.

I choose my mood. I smile :)

Just read, 'Choose your mood, and stay with it'.

So here I go, I choose a mood for myself for today which is wearing a little beaming smile and make sure that I find enough beauty in the 24 hours of the day that it stays gleaming! :) After all, the curve on my lips can not be drawn by another hand, and if I let someone do that, I sure am not well!

So I smile. Because I am too tired of not smiling for this long a while. And I have just realized that if by not making my heart light, the other does me a wrong (as I feel about it), what about my own contribution to my personal happiness?

So, heres to me, for being happy!
For remembering to let myself loose! For realizing that the heart throbbing in my chest deserves better than being put on other's ventilators!


I smile :)


Alhamdolillah!

Guftego ba ostad, Conversation with the teacher

True, this doesn't make sense. But then, what does?

mThe sense of void deepens, the emptiness flourishes and I look around to latch onto something that could let me not fall a prey to this gnawing -273 degrees Celsius.

Am I a ripple in the still sea of life or am I the dead sea myself that can not be brought to life despite millions of ripples tickling its bottom?

I try to breathe and recollect all that I thought I could pen down and provide some vent to an exhausted self. But no, I have to thaw first!

may he succeed, amen!

May the colours of your success be always bright: orange, apple green and neon blue. Just like the ones in your FIRST bag :)
ameen sum ameen.

May you fulfill his destiny and prove yourself the best of creations, "ashraf-ul-makhlooqaat". yes, sadly most of us forget to do so.

May the sun always shine bright for you, may you always know your path, the path of enlightenment. Enlightenment of Soul, of heart and of mind. May you be amongst blessed learned souls.
ameen.


I pray for you, this, and much much more my angel.

Love you.

the heart aches and the soul hangs in a vaccuum.

why does it have to be so?

whats the use of it?

what should I do?


does being existentialist provide answers in this situation too?


what went wrong? And WHY?

Say I Am You

Today I choose to be, what I want to belong to

The horde of problems this nation hosts, is unarguably a LARGE one! Come to think of it, what concerns us more, the Obama policy in Iraq, or the implementation of two different constitutions (forget about the wa'dera jails and panchayyat laws) within one State that is ours. When I think, its a long list of issues that plague us. Without prioritizing these in order of their importance, I just pen them down as they come to mind. There is

1. illiteracy

2. corrupt leadership

3. poverty

4. insufficient basic health facilities

5. lack of infrastructure at every public platform

6. unclean drinking water

7. outrageous power shortages

8. bogus law enforcement

9. biased, ambiguous, and crooked educational system

10. non-existent security

11. sky rocketing inflation

12. an ever growing continuum of budget deficit

13. child labor

14. militancy

15. lack of basic moral traits, esp. tolerance

16. lack of the sense of national pride

17. a government which consists of Rajahs and Maharajahs

18. unscrupulous government machinery

19. a national tendency of hypocrisy and morose attitude. In other words, we form a crowd of whiners.

And out of all these fore mentioned problems, for me, the most devastating one is the one at the bottom, hypocrisy and morose attitude. If I were to change, it would have been these two character traits. At the least, quite a few of the issues mentioned earlier, are a by-product of these attitudes.

Ok, if I don't want to be a part of the whining mob, what can I do to change? What lies in my capacity?

During my FSc years, there was an all Pakistan declamation contest. Cliche' as it may sound, the only thing that comes to my mind of the speech back then is the concluding remark:

Stop focusing on things you CAN NOT change, CAN NOT do anything about. Concentrate, instead, on things you CAN change, CAN do something about. Right here in your own little corner.

For bringing in the Change, its me who has to change first. I can not clean the street if one can not differentiate between a litter bin and my room. If the model is good enough, the change would be infectious. There will be no need of any pointing fingers.

My resolution for today : Lets do, and not whine.

So, today I choose to be, what I want to belong to.

Happy reading :)

Musheer by Habib Jalib ..... This I said unto him

In times like these, I fail to find too many things that are as pertinent as this timeless piece of poetry by Jalib. Written in '60's, this is as relevant in our troubled land in 2009, as was back then.

The poem, "Musheer" (Advisor) is a collection of advices that are so characteristic of those held in consulation by the tycoons in power.

The band, Laal has really performed a commendable feat by bringing back to the 'asses, what should have never been left behind.

mein ne us se ye kaha

ye jo das crore hain,

jehl ka nichor hain

inki fikr so gayi

har umeed ki kiran,

zulmaton main kho gai

ye khabar darust hai,

inki maut ho gai

be shaoor log hain

zindagi ka roag hain

aur tere paas hai

inkay dard ki dawa

This I said unto him

These, who form a hundred million

Are an epitome of oblivion

Their thought is no more

Every ray of hope

Has been devoured by murk

True is the news

They have lost the life

Conscious less are they!

A curse to life!

And thou hath

What cures their ills

mein ne us se ye kaha
mein ne us se ye kaha

This I said unto him

tu khuda ka noor hai

aql hai, shaoor hai

qaum tere saath hai

tere hi!, hi!, hi!, wajood se

mulk ki nijaat hai

tu hai mehr-e-subh-e-nau

tere baad raat hai!

bolte jo chand hain

sab ye shar pasand hain!

inki khainch le zabaan

inka ghoont de gala

You are the Godly glow

Of brains and logic

The nation stands with you

Through your grace Alone,

The state can be salvaged.

You bring the dawn of a new day

It is dusk aft thou!

The few who grunt

Are all the hellions

Tear out their tongues

Strangle their throats.

mein ne us se ye kaha
mein ne us se ye kaha

This I said unto him

jin ko tha zaban pe naaz

chup hain wo zaban daraaz

chain hai samaaj main

bemisaal fark hai

kal main aur aaj main

apne kharch par hain log

qaid tere raaj me

Those proud of their eloquence

Hushed are all those boisterous

Order reigns the land

The contrast is unparalleled

Of bygone and current

Taken a hostage at their own expense

Are people in your empire

mein ne us se ye kaha
mein ne us se ye kaha

This I said unto him

cheen apna yar hai
us pe jan nisar hai
par wahan jo hai nizaam
us taraf na jaayio
us ko door se salaam
das crore ye gadhay
jin ka naam hai awaam
kia banain gsy hukmaran
tu!, tu!, tu! yaqeen hai ye gumaan
apni to dua hai ye
sadr tu rahe sada


China is the beloved chum

Precious than the dear life

But the setup that they run

Steer well clear of that

Without further ado, turn away

These hundred million asses

Which are named the masses

Naught deserve they to be a majesty

You alone are real; an image are they

All I plea for is

You remain President till eternity


mein ne us se ye kaha
mein ne us se ye kaha

This I said unto him

PS: The translation is mine, hence obviously lacks the same tanginess of flavour.

blue coupe rocks . . .

when i set ablaze an ashen sun.

Grey, cold, stony.


Even when theres life that beams, theres a sun that shines, and theres a feather that tickles.




But why depend on a sun that does not shine on thou?


The sun is the one that shines with or without reason; arises with or without reason. And is NOT cold!
Nay, I can't waste a second of my existence contemplating on what could never be mine. Its me and me alone who has to realize the worth of each second of this spell they call 'life', for it belongs to me! And how can I ever possibly let it be ruined if theres a sun that opts to go grey for me?


Be your own sun and life shall never be bleak. For the promise of each new day is as sure to be fulfilled as your own existence.


I choose to be my own Sun. My own Rain and my own Rainbow.
I am the Sky that shelters and I am the Earth that floors.
I am the Waters that flow and I am the Wind that blows.
I am the grain and I am the space.
I am the Seed and I am the Fruit.
I am the smile and I am the tear.
I am the joy and I am the fear.



I am.


For I choose to live my own life, without cursing each second for a sun that chooses to withhold its light from me.







I must.
So I am.

a PVC pipe relationship!

yes! you got it right! its the same PVC pipe. The Polyvinyl Chloride pipe. PVC is a thermoplastic polymer chemically identified as the chloroethanediyl. Well just to give you an idea, though its pretty implausible that you wouldn't have heard of the PVC pipes, these are chemically resistant, hollow, plastic pipes especially used for water distribution and sanitary sewer applications.

Hmmm..... so where does this fit in?

When I think of a relationship, I weigh it against the extent of strength it inculcates in both the partners. Greater the strength, stronger the relationship and vice verse. The strength of going across horizons, the strength of fighting with your personal demons, the strength of facing the challenges of financial problems, the strength of coping with the difficulties of family matters, the strength of going beyond one's means to facilitate someone less advantaged, even the strength of nursing cheerfully an ailing family member, all in all, the strength of facing everyday challenges that come along the package of an ordinary monotonous routine of each day. That is what I believe strengthens a bond, builds and nourishes a relationship; the realization that you have a support system in form of that one individual by your side. And that support system does not paralyze your own personal defense mechanism by making you dependent on it, instead it gives you faith in your own personal capacity to handle difficult situations, it makes you aware of your own depths and urges you to dive yet even deeper to seek out the unknown treasures of your self. It keeps you surefooted in an ever swaying world of continuous change.

This to me is what a relationship should do to you.

But alas, every "should" is actually a possibility that lacks any possibility of being materialized. So this is not what a relationship usually does.

So this is where, my aforementioned PVC pipe fits in.

When the relationship is not what it should be, it becomes a bond that asks one to stay in it, oblige a set of responsibilities; give somethings, and receive some others. Instead of intertwining the two personalities, the whole purpose becomes to re-cast one's self into the mold of the other(whoever is dominant in the bond). Personalities just cease to grow together, instead of building upon each other, the strengths of both the partners just wash away through the sanitary sewer, for the two are just too busy fighting their own personal issues that no one bothers to notice that collective energy could do wonders to them. The expected result is that each partner loses on personal front and the sense of 'personal' loss drives any possibility of mutual capacity growth even farther. The relationship, in itself, becomes a hollow facade of something far deeper, far stronger; a true depiction of what Emily Bronte' once called, "hollow, servile, insincere'.

Why?

Because the Relationship, the Bond, does not provide the necessary support infra structure for the people to grow and reach out, beyond horizons. It simply can't afford it. It is a drape around two different people so that they are assumed as one. It is a sphere that, though, holds them together, does not unite them. This sphere is not built to take loads. It is not meant to be subjected to pressures. It is built with just as much contribution from each partner so as to contain them within. That it does. Its hollow (and, weak), since its a drape. Its none porous, because it doesn't absorb anything anything from the two lives it contains. Its simply like a PVC pipe.

And PVC pipe relationships don't last forever.

its only words, and words are all I have

all our lives, we keep on collecting dreams; beautiful, colorful dreams; our most cherished gay asset in our grey worlds. and like a still moment encased in a glass pebble, these dreams adorn our lives; very much the same way. held in. Still.

When In Love .........

And when he casts his spell,

as if,

lulling the sounds,

quelling the world;

as if,

making the sky bury into the stillness

of the slowly falling, innocent, soft flakes of snow.

And thus, when he casts his spell,

as if,

voicing only what throbs in;

speaking all that flows in,

as if,

telling all the tales from the depth of bosom

to the depth of eyes,

in a language that writes off all its words,

in the sheer beauty of a world 

that went still.

And lo! when he casts his spell,

as if,

brightening the blaze that pours in warmth,

amidst 

slowly falling, innocent, soft flakes of snow.

Self & Architecture.

Its pretty sunny outside. Sunny to the extent of being Warm. But thanks to the architecture of this apartment building, I'm penning these lines down in the light of the energy savers :)

Its the same with human self. As we grow, we develop a personality that is so much like the architecture of buildings! There are certain things that we want to be noticed more, so we put them on a more accessible public display, like high lighting a particular feature of a building, putting a spotlight in front of a Mughal arch; and there are others which we try to make not-so-public like the drainage pipes in the back alley. There are dark recesses and sun rooms, all within the confinement of what we call the personality. And time to time all of us invariably return to them for either running away from the realities of life, or else to gather courage from, to face these realities upfront.
When we have more dark nooks in our personality than the sunny galleries, it gets hard for the natural glee of life to reach us easily and consequently, slowly and gradually, the self, just like a building, begins to fall a victim to dampness. Mould reeks in.
A little more time passes and the plaster begins to peel off, leaving the walls naked and ugly. A little more time, and even passing by close to such a building you are forced to hold your breath for the fear of smelling that rotten smell that is so peculiar to dampness, rust and mould.

When we pull down the blinds on the windows of our soul, we not only cut off from the world outside but also ensure that there appears no new horizon. On the other hand, when you open up your doors, place your comfy zone in the sunlit veranda, the soul not only nourishes because of the sunbeams of the life but also relishes the cool quietness of a starry night.

(My mind is straying in too many directions right now, so I'm not finding myself successful in putting down this idea as emphatically as I would like to. )

So, in a nutshell, just don't harbour ill feelings. They ruin your self; deteriorate your personality. The anguish, sadness, all the fruits of bearing this mould of your personality, come to show on your face in a few years time. The Taj Mahal becomes a haunted house.
Don't confine your self within yourself, seek interaction with the world around. Otherwise, the mites and mould spores would cause the growth of fungus within this precious self. Open your doors, roll up your blinds. Let air, light and noise drop in. They mark life. After all, you do want your Taj Mahal to be something more than a cemetery!

Setting life free with Rumi :)

A little while back, I was going through my not-so-regularly-maintained online posts, I came across a thought I had jotted down a couple of weeks ago. The interesting thing was, however, that after I had finished reading it, the very next thing I came across (on someone else's page)was a poem of Rumi. It was a very pleasing coincidence, to say the least. :)

Setting Life Free

I just so much want to believe that we do not interpret the one cherished bit of our imagined "should-be's", as Life. The thought of being obsessed with a fragment of my own imagination, however intellect I believe it to be, so much so that it creates a fanciful burlesque fantasy for me, freaks me out to the bones. Since the real life, the one that flows all around, and even within and without us, does not comply to the diction of our assumed versions of life, we end up feeling disappointed, betrayed and wronged.

Let life be free from the compulsion of an essential pursuit of happiness. Let life come to you as it is. Let it embrace you with open arms just like that and let us all celebrate the beauty of it as it is. 

We stop seeing the true colour of life when all what we do is wait, or want, or whine about missing the rosy happy-faced life. We limit our vision by not permitting our self to cherish every shade of life. We become colour blind and thus let so many precious moments of life slip through our fingers: moments , each of which could suffice the entire length of our existence. Moments which, if we had not turned blind to, could change the course of our lives. Moments, that could teach us so many new paths leading to so many new horizons, opening up so many new vistas.Only if we stop looking for happiness and start living each day as it is. Only if we allow ourselves the luxury of letting ourself free from the self imposed compulsions!!!

The Guest House....By Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

(Rumi~translation by Coleman Barks)

جی چاہے تو شیشہ بن جا، جی چاہے پیمانہ بن

Its 240 in the morning and I am up. Not quite sure why. Perhaps its some unushered dream, or a demon from the past. And how about if its just the restlessness of a soul in exile? After all, who knows!

Maybe its the spell of the verse that I kept listening to the whole day, well, almost the whole day. Every once in a while you come across an assembly of words, a few sentences, that transform the entire landscape of your intellectual world, or at the very least, help you in getting just another, altogether different view of the life around you. These are life enriching words. Even the oh-so-similar things too, take a different shape, pick up a different hue. Some words leave you drenched in an aura of ecstasy. And some bring with them a background score of soft rhythm to keep company to your wandering soul.

جی چاہے تو شیشہ بن جا، جی چاہے پیمانہ بن جا

شیشہ پیمانہ کیا بننا، مئے بن جا، مےخانہ بن جا

مئے بن کر، مئےخانہ بن کر، مستی کا افسانہ بن جا

مستی کا افسانہ بن کر، ہستی سے بیگانہ بن جا

ہستی سے بیگانہ ہونا، مستی کا افسانہ بننا

اس ہونے سے، اس بننے سے، اچھا ہے دیوانہ بن جا

دیوانہ بن جانے سے بھی، دیوانہ ہونا اچھا ہے

دیوانہ ہونے سے اچھا، خاکِ درِ جاناناں بن جا

خاکِ درِ جاناناں کیا ہے، اہلِ دل کی آنکھ کا سرمہ

شمع کے دل کی ٹھنڈک بن جا، نورِ دلِ پروانہ بن جا

سیکھ ذہین کے دل سے جلنا، کاہے کو ہر شمع پر جلنا

اپنی آگ میں خود جل جاۓ، تو ایسا پروانہ بن جا

Shunning the Other!

One question that I ask myself every so often is, why dont I write as much as I would want to? Well .... the answer seems somehow wrapped in the haze of an inadvertent lethargy, or probably in the dire pessimism that has crawled under my skin for quite a while now, and which i would rather prefer to term as the knowledge that comes after knowing the little difference either you, or your presence/absence would make to this world!

ooops... see? there it peeks its head again! darn!

Not that I dont have anything to say, however, the futility of whatever I think is just all too strong a reason for me to be the same extrovert I used to be. Hey, wait, mmmm.... well lets see.... did I not just a little while back performed 'the exercise of the Other' (thanks mr. Coelho).

So here it goes ..... :)

I have a very strong interest in paranormal communications. Sounds wierd? Well, to start off, have you ever thought about various electronic signals that establish all this present day modern communication systems?

Well... if not, think about it. Meanwhile I sign off because my little prince is all too eager to watch his 'hickory dickory dock' with me :)

ciao

take care

yeah.... its purposeless!

It has been quite a while now that i sit everyday for sometime reflecting upon what i REALLY want to do with this thing they call life! Hell! havent been able to figure it out till yet!
I do know for sure i look for some purpose, PURPOSE to make it fulfilling, promising! But what to do with the ashed passion that should have been there to fuel a purpose!
Here! the situation is, every fortnight i find a new purpose of my life, keep on reflecting over it for the next couple of days and then, hey ... there it goes.... simply with the slightest gush of the wind. In the next few days i dont even remember what was it that i was supposed to live for! :|

Believe you me, realizing the depth of the complete abyss in which lays the entire reasoning of your existence is no good. No good at all!

tide rises, tide falls!

we all go through different phases of life, learning, dissipating little things; some we know of, some just unknowingly. but what happens at the turn of the road? what is the catch as the tide falls?

at dusk, the sky is but just an empty vast canvas! an empty canvas with a background enriched with hues. does this lifeless canvas traced with every imaginable and unimaginable color, bear any resemblance to the morning's sunny bight vibrant sky?

where are those fluttering wings? those tiny little limbs flapping in the air. the refreshing little chirpy sounds that sound music to every ear.

so this happens when the life leaves the sky!

a little while after dusk and all what is left is a black slate!

so this happens when life leaves the sky!

it always is a blank slate,

yes....

when the tide falls.